Renewed Year, Renewed Me.

Unlike some, I don't have a love or hate relationship with New Year Resolutions. I like giving myself some "to do" tasks but I don't hold myself to a time or worry that I didn't sign up to the gym on 1st January (note: instead I decided to sign up in November and pay three months' worth of membership already...oh dear). After all, we set ourselves tasks throughout the year so I figure this is the same and there's no point getting hung up about not sporting a six pack in time for Cadbury Cream Egg season.

Having said that, this year I'm setting myself 3 resolutions and one massive overhaul. It will be life changing. Not pulling a reverse Caitlin Jenner folks, no, I'm going on a journey of self-nurture and care. But first, my 3 resolutions:

• Give blood - many years ago I read an article about resolutions and it suggested how about resolving to donate blood? Every year since then I've made this resolution but have never been able to (usually because I'd been in some "exotic" country that year). This will be the year.

• Run 10km - I've downloaded the app so I must be serious about this, right? I'm not a natural runner. I want to be. I'm angry at my genetic make up for not being one (this is crazy, I know, it's like my "why don't I have blue eyes?" phase - there was one, it was long and ridiculous, ask my mom). Anyway, the most I've ever jogged in one go was 6km and that was after years of regular jogging. I won't let that phase me. I truly believe it is achievable in a year and so I'm giving myself 2016 to achieve this goal. Maybe at some point I'll sign up to a race to motivate myself. Not maybe. I will.

• Crow pose in yoga - at first I thought I should set myself the goal of a head stand (the funky one where you're supported by your forearms) but then I decided crow pose instead...this had nothing to do with my lack of faith in myself! Ultimately though, I want to build it up slowly and want the result to be incorporating more yoga in my life. So, this is resolution 3.

All fairly achievable resolutions in my opinion and I'm super happy with having come up with them.

As for the overhaul.

I'm a believer in energies - negative, positive, internal, external, universal, local, mind, body, soul. For a while now I've not been taking care of myself as well as I should. Self-care is a funny concept. First of all, I shy away from dwelling on the idea too much because I recognise that I am privileged and live a wonderful life therefore, surely, I shouldn't have any "issues", right? Wrong.

Secondly, I find that some people are naturally better at balancing their thoughts, lives and priorities. They give weight to the "right" things. Where this is most apparent to me is when I see people committing fully to something and reaping the rewards. I've steered away from multi-tasking for the past few years now (and if you can, I would highly recommend it). Problem is, I don't fully commit because my mind wanders off to the silliest of places. Let me give you a couple of examples:

Attending an interesting talk

"...this talk is great, so glad I came...I hope I don't have an ugly concentrating face...the speaker is so eloquent, will I ever be that good?...oh if only I was better at [xyz]....omg he/she is only 26 and already this good at what he/she does!...am I asking the right questions?...oh no did I focus too much on myself when I was talking to [whoever I was talking to]..."

Going to a gym class:

"...well done me for signing up to this class, I am going to give it my all....ugh my legs hurt...will I get cyclist thighs?! I don't want that...look at that person at the front, they know all the sequences!..I wonder if I can justify a burger now?...love that tights & top combination, wonder where she got it from...oh dear I have no coordination..I'm failing at this class..yes, I'm officially failing at life..."

You see what I mean? Rather than allowing the positive energy to flow, I'm blocking it out with my constant talking, which includes self-doubt! Which is why I need to change it. I feel (correct me if I'm wrong) that people who commit to an action / event are more engaged, thus benefit more, both short-term and long-term. And I think this is directly related to being a more balanced person and having the confidence to enjoy what you are doing in the moment and grow from it. 

So, more balance = happier Saba.

How will I set to achieve this you ask?

1. I will schedule time in my calendar! So far this is working well - it's nice to see what's coming up and have something to look forward to. Where I can improve is by allowing myself enough time to do what I scheduled to do. Sometimes I don't want to say "no" so what ends up happening is I over schedule. I try to please everyone and end up pleasing no-one, or worse, end up with a cold at home cancelling plans and feeling rather silly for it. How many of us are guilty of over-scheduling, eh?!

2. Self-reflection, yoga and Reiki. In addition to time spent with L, family and friends and also myself, I want to use some of my free time in actively healing myself. Even though I fully believe this is what I need, while I write this I keep thinking "there are billions of people who are surviving and happy without any of this extra self-attention". It's ridiculous. To start off with, how do I know who is "happy" or not? Also, if I want to positively affect those who are less fortunate than me then surely I should get to a place where I can assist, and if I'm not yet in that place, shouldn't I pro-actively head in that direction? And so, I know I must focus on myself to finally be able to support those around me in a considerate and genuine manner. Reiki is a practice I've heard a lot about from a very close friend of mine. I've always been curious and this year I am going to get some dates in the diary to seek a Reiki therapist. Honestly, I can't wait. More on that later I'm sure!

3. Be present and lessen the over analysing. Say "yes" more often. Stop worrying if you're in fact enjoying the moment or not. 

And there they are. My resolutions for 2016. I'm proud to say that since I've started writing this post I've done 7 days of yoga (30 Day Yoga with Adriene Challenge) and I feel GOOD. And once I've gotten rid of this cough I'll be utilising my running app & jogging leggings. 

I'm hoping to be able to share some self-reflection on here (ie another self-obsessed person on the Internet talking about themselves *yawn*) if anything, to keep me on track. If you have any resolutions or thoughts, please do share as I love hearing what journey everyone else is embarking on.

With lots of love,

~Sx

The introvert bubble

You may remember how much I love personality tests. In particular, the Jung Typology Test, which defined me as an ISFJ (Introverted Sensing Feeling Judging). I remember reading the results completely awestruck because it.was.all.so.accurate. (highly, highly recommend taking the test - here)

I've been thinking a lot about the introverted aspects of my personality. I don't believe that we're all so clearly and easily categorised into categories made to categorise us. However, I do think that, more often than not, generalisations hold a lot of truth. I am a classic introvert in that I recharge from within. I read somewhere that extroverts need to spend time with people in order to be able to spend time alone and introverts need to spend time alone in order to be with people. We recharge our batteries during the time we spend alone. And we're rarely bored if left with ourselves! I've always enjoyed the time I spend with myself (esp with a good book!) and kept a journal for many years. Thinking about it now, almost every party I attended as a youngster (and sometimes even now) I felt like an outsider and I just did what I had to do until I could go home and unwind. Having said that, I also enjoy big parties and meeting people and spending time with a few close people who recharge me. That in itself is an introverted trait - choosing a few close friends wisely who actually add to your energy rather than diminish it.

I've also been thinking about the difference between extroverts and introverts. And here's an example. As an introvert, when you're in a bad mood, you want to retreat into yourself. The opposite of what an extrovert would do. Which means that when you're in a bad mood and an extrovert is around you, they come to comfort you, which doesn't work. In fact, it may cause more anguish. And vice versa - when I am around an extrovert who needs some comforting, my immediate thought is "sort yourself out" and then I try to go and make a coffee and get away from the situation where I'm needed to comfort that person. It's not very kind of me, is it? I believe there are two reasons for this. Firstly, as an introvert, I tend to try and figure out my problems and why I'm feeling like I am privately. I'm fairly pragmatic when it comes to getting things done. When I'm feeling unwell, I take medication, entertain myself and wait until I get better. Of course I want someone to make me soup and bring me coffee, but I guess I sometimes prefer not to attract more attention by asking for help. Secondly, I remove myself from situations where I'm needed emotionally because it drains my energies, and my priority is self-perseverance.

I've really come to realise this truth recently. I prioritise self-perseverance, and sometimes it comes across to others as being selfish. I do care for a lot of things, and I think about them when I'm alone or I show my care towards them very materialistically, giving the impression that my care doesn't scratch the surface. But I do care. And at the same time, I can't risk negative emotional equity. It's very difficult to come out of.

I am prone to giving too much and then setting the expectations on myself too high. I deliver, I deliver and then I'm in the situation where those around me don't realise how much effort it takes to do those things that I've been doing. And then I am suddenly expected to do so many different things and my time to myself is relegated to the bottom of my personal to-do lists and before I know it, I am exhausted. Emotionally. Physically. Sometimes people think that I don't make the time or that too much is being expected of me. But it's not that. It's that even that little extra effort requires super human strength. It's just too much. 

To recharge you need to be alone. Sometimes for minutes, sometimes for hours and sometimes for days. On those days that you can't be truly alone, the recovery takes longer, making the whole ordeal seem worse and making you seem like an exceptionally selfish person. It's like when you get the flu. You get better quicker by staying at home for 2 days than braving it for 2 weeks. Sometimes, finding those 2 days for recovery are a luxury, and that's the truth. So you come up with coping mechanisms. You convince yourself that some stressful tasks are actually therapeutic (like blow drying your hair - not therapeutic at all if you ask me!). And you get by slowly until you get a chance to have that recharge you so crave. 

So that's my take on being an introvert. And I'm sorry it's quite a sombre subject...I have a suspicion I'll revisit this subject sometime in the future so forgive me for the pensive thoughts. And I do wish I understood extroverts better, so that I could emphasise when they are going through the equivalent in their eyes instead of coming across as cold. 

It's been a long year. I was all hopeful about 2014, but I'm not going to miss it much if I'm honest. I'm looking forward to 2015. Be kind to us. 

Sx

*the photo can be found on Unsplash, where you can use photos for free.

Where to from here?

I know I've not been very vocal on here for a while.

I do have some exciting photos and reviews I'd like to share with you.

I do have posts that are lighthearted and liken me to Dora the Explorer.

But it's been difficult when my mind has been really occupied with figuring out how to escape the maze that is my brain.

Conundrum.

I'm not one to plan where I want to be and by when. I find that things tend to work themselves out and well, whatever's meant to be will be. Of course, I do hope for things and strive to achieve them because not doing so would kind be crazy...right? It's just if you had told me 3 years ago that I'd be living and working in Jordan I don't think I would've really believed you. And the reverse situation is true, I have no clue where I'll be three years from now.

But for some unknown reason (maturity possibly being it, but let's not be too ambitious here) I lay awake in bed many nights wondering if this is where I imagined life would take me and if this is what I want right now. It's a weird question, because I have nothing to compare it to. I can't bring up my notes from last year and say "yup, crossed that off my list" because, you know, I don't have that list.

Whenever I'm at a cross-roads I tell myself, ugh I wish decisions would just be made for me. Of course I don't want that. Of course I realise that making your own decisions is a privilege. Unfortunately growing up and making decisions are such painful processes for me, since I prefer to bury my head in Topshop.com instead of facing my realities. But I've really started to think about where my life is heading, what choices I want to make next and where I want them to take me.

Here's a confession, I started writing this post about a week ago. And here I am tying it off because I am no closer to finding my decisions than when I first started.

I know one thing is for sure though.

I want to make a plan. I want to reach conclusions, decisions. For once, I am not going to hide. I am going to figure this out...whatever "this" is to me right now. I won't settle. I can't settle. It would be wasting that privilege I'm so fortunate to have.

Sx

HashtagFirstWorldProblems: Reading a book you just can't seem to finish

Has this ever happened to you? Surely it has. It must happen to everyone (cough cough in a first world conundrum like me). I'm reading For Whom the Bell Tolls. This is attempt number 3, if I remember correctly. My Kindle tells me I'm 41% through. My brain tells me I have 41% of my sanity left. But I want to finish it. I don't want to give up. It's a phase, you see. There came a time when I decided life was too short to trawl through a book I didn't enjoy. But recently I just don't want to put a book down. I don't think it helps that I keep a very public record of the books I read here. Damn it I've been reading this book since June..I can mark a little asterisk to say I never finished it. But that may will compromise my credibility as a book nerd.

Get it here.

First.

World.

Problem.

In other news, I have written my post about Bath but it has like 2951523 photos. Tell me, do you like looking at photos or should I go back to the editing table?

Happy Saturday everyone! 

Sx

Oops!...I did it again

I put myself through the anxiety of flying. Not once, not twice. Six times. In two weeks.

Every single one of those flights was stressful in its own way. The first couple were ok, except for taking off on the Airbus A380. I had gotten geekily excited when I found out that we could book our Dubai-Singapore leg of the journey on the A380 within our budget. Little did I know that these beasts take off at the speed of a snail. And when you have the sort of "I know better than the pilot" flight anxiety, you begin to convince yourself that the plane has neither gathered enough speed to lift off nor is the take off "normal". However, it was an experience.

The return journey of that same leg was, shall we say, more upbeat? As in, the plane was dancing for approximately 5 of the 7 hours of the flight? My nerves were definitely in a state. The silver lining however was that if you tense your muscles for 2 hours straight and have that much adrenaline pulsing through your body, you're eventually going to wear yourself out and fall asleep as a result. So I did manage to get a couple of hours of sleep. When I did groggily wake up, we had hit the sort of turbulence that compels the captain to turn on the fasten seat-belt sign. But, I was still luckily quite exhausted and managed to survive the whole ordeal without any tears! Saba 1 - Turbulence 0.

It was also the first time I was genuinely worried during landing. I'm normally the biggest fan of landing, since it means we are getting closer to the ground. On this particular flight, the captain just couldn't balance the plane, and he touched down so slightly, only to bounce and then touch down again...and to top it off, the plane leaned to the right a little too much...lovely! 

Despite all of these stressful hours spent 38,000 feet above ground, I did manage to get a bit more sleep while we were grounded in Dubai for over 4 hours due to heavy fog. Honestly, sometimes I wonder if I ever did leave Europe.

Pics of the holiday and some sightseeing tips will follow once I'm over this jet lag!

Sx

New Glasses!!

I went for an eye test the other day. The results were shocking really. My eyesight had not changed since my last eye test in 2011. Not.a.single.bit.

In my 16+ years of wearing glasses, every single time I went for an eye test, the results showed my eyesight getting worse. Year. After year. After year. After year. It's a wonder I don't wear some form of binoculars really. You get the picture. Except for one year, when my eyesight actually got BETTER. Apparently that can happen. 

The thing is, every time I tell people that I've been wearing contacts for 15+ years (cuz I hate my glasses and avoid wearing them in public), they're always like "get LASIK!". And my reply is....uuuuuuhhh no. I'm terrified you see. I don't quite know why, but I know that I'm terrified. Also, I had heard that your eyesight needed to be stable for 2 years before going under the beam, and well, that had never happened until now.

And sometimes I wonder whether I've probably spent more money over 15 years on contacts then I would have doing corrective eye surgery. But the other night, I decided to calculate it. 

Thus. If I spend approximately £20 a month on contacts then:

£20x12 = £240x15 = £3600

And, frankly, £3600 is less than, say, two Chanel handbags. Which makes me feel a lot better that, no, I have not spent a small fortune on contact lenses. In fact, if you only count the two years that I have not had a change in eyesight (which is not accurate because you'd have to wait two years before surgery) then you'd get:

£20x24 months = £480.

No one's gonna fix my eyes for that little (and if they could, I'm not sure I'd want them to!). 

So Lasik, you'll have to wait. 

Sx

These are my new frames that I get to pick up from the opticians soon (selfies are not our friend).

Where's the imposter?

I was at my work desk. Typing away. "Planning" an event. 

When the paranoia hit. 

I was freaking out (inside of course, outside I was eating chocolate cake, obvi). You see, I'd never planned an event before. Wedding? Puh-lease. I just had to show up and not fall over. And even then it's pretty difficult to ruin a wedding. And this? A 4 hour seminar with 30 guests that compelled me to believe I'd get found out.

So, there I was, creating tables on Excel, Skyping with a colleague on how to work our CRM system, frantically looking through my notes to make sure I haven't missed anything. And I thought to myself, what if my colleagues suddenly realise that I am incompetent and that they've somehow hired this fraud?! 

I get this feeling a lot. Like, not for a prolonged period, really, but just filling emails and BOOM - I look around and think...."they know".

This, apparently, is a common phenomenon that many suffer, especially women. We feel that we don't deserve to be in the position we are in. That somehow, a mistake was made and we've ended up where we are by some mistake. A lot of articles have been written about this (like this one), and Sheryl Sandberg wrote and spoke at length on the topic. 

Eventually the feeling passed and I told myself that I'd be fine, amazing even, arranging this event. The problem with having these feelings hit you is, for me anyway, it's a vicious cycle. When I think these thoughts, I'm more likely to make silly mistakes, which then make me panic even more, leading to slightly more noticeable mistakes, and telling myself that I'm just not cut out for whatever it is that I was doing, that other people do it better, and I just wind myself up in this manner.

Didn't I tell you before I was crazy?

Anyway, just to let you know, the even went fabulously and here's a photo of me manning the registration desk.

Sx

Just ooooone more...

From here.

I have a *REALLY* addictive personality. For example, a few Christmases ago, a friend and I (this is our little secret) became obsessed with white chocolate Cadbury fingers. When I say obsessed, as in, we hunted them down in every super market we visited and I must've eaten about a trillion of those little pieces of white chocolatey yummies. Now, just the thought makes me feel a bit queasy. I ate so many, that I think I reached the set lifetime quota for an adult female.

This is true for many things. Nutella for example. I don't really like Nutella *collective gasp from the European continent, je sais*. I don't have crepes with Nutella, I don't eat toast with Nutella. I pretty much dislike the majority of hazelnut flavoured food stuff. However, about a year ago, for some unknown reason, I bought a jar of Nutella, unscrewed the lid and picked up a spoon. Approximately 7 jars later, I'd had enough. Again, can barely think of Nutella at the moment without feeling a teeny weeny bit of nausea.*

However, one of my few habits obsessions passions, that is here to stay is: SHOPPING. I love it. I can't help it. I could shop shop shop till I drop and still find new and more exciting things to "aim" for. I'd say I mastered shopping sometime between 2007 and 2010 - when I was living in Central London and Oxford Street was my best friend. I surprised myself once (ok I was actually proud) by noticing a woman's shoes on the Tube, guessing they were from Office and then confirming that my guess was indeed correct (and, of course I got them in my size, what do you take me for, an amateur?). 

I got that good.

I spent *a lot* of money on shopping during my time in the UK. Of course, it doesn't help when you work in the City and everyone around you looks like as if they're auditioning for "Suits". My wardrobe grew, and I am not ashamed to say that I loved and still love all of my clothes. Every piece, I bought after falling in love with it. Boy do I have a lot of capacity for love!

Anyhoo, when we moved to Jordan, I had to be very choosey about the clothes that I brought with me. Louis and I limited our luggage to 3 suitcases...between us! The rest of my clothes are neatly packed away in leafy Hertfordshire. Every once in a while, I wish I had a virtual wardrobe, you know, like the one that Cher had in "Clueless"? Well, I would love if someone would invent a virtual closet like that. Better yet, a wardrobe where I can look into my closet back in Sunny England and get my clothes delivered to me here...I guess kind of like a Narnia-wardrobe situation (and they used it to live as royalty - silly people!). I know it sounds crazy. 

The truth is, I miss my clothes. As in, every once in a while, I get the feeling you get in the pit of your stomach that you get for home sickness, but for my clothes, shoes and bags. 

Living in Jordan has made it easy for me not to go all cray-cray on buying clothes. First of all, the clothes here are like 1.5 - 2 times the price they are back in the UK. Sure, I can go find outlet shops, but that will just mean I re-start my addiction ahem, talent. Secondly, and this may be a controversial point, I feel that living in Amman kind of suffocates any expression through fashion that I may have. While back in England my go to daily work outfit was a dress, tights and waist belt, I haven't worn tights in God knows how long. And I don't intend to. I get enough hassle when I wear jeans, let alone "show" some leg. (feel free to read more here)

Going back to my original point, of having an addictive personality, I recently spent a week in Dubai (read: credit card havoc) where I allowed myself to go and buy a few essentials. I went to the mall on my second day there and, after buying a couple of tops and a pair of shoes, I calmly informed my brother that I was satisfied with my purchases and that I wouldn't be returning to the shops for the rest of my trip. 

He had to drive me to the mall 3 more times after that :D 

Love,

Sx

*current obsession is Butterscotch pudding (American definition). I give it 3 weeks.

**I'll post a separate entry with some of the things I bought from Dubai.

There are 8 exits on this plane...

Hot stuff.

I'm really not the biggest fan of flying. Actually, I'm not a fan at all. Which is a 180 degree flip from when I was younger. You see, when I was a little itsy bitsy Saba one of the things I wanted to grow up to become was an air stewardess. 

Aren't they glamourous? They wear heels 35,000 feet above the ground. Their make up is always in place. Their hair! Pulled up into sophisticated chignons. And they were always so nice. Handing out those [let's be honest] kinda horrible puzzles that have 12 squares but only 11 pieces so you could solve them. And they are always friendly and take care of you. 

But, since about 2005, which is when I believe this random fear started, I have been terrified of flying. 

Some people don't like the sensation. Others get travel sickness. Some don't like the food. For me, I don't like turbulence. In particular. In general? I don't like the idea that I am tens of thousands of feet above the ground and can "fall out of the sky" at any moment. It's crazy, I know. But I sit there, all tensed up, wondering when we'll hit turbulence or when the plane will just fail in what is was made for. Many a flights I spent on the edge of my seat, unable to enjoy movies or food because I was petrified that "it" would happen at any moment. And sometimes I sit, paralysed, afraid of getting up and going to the bathroom - my walking up the aisle may SHAKE the plane! I mean, this borders on is madness! I wouldn't sleep, because of all of the adrenaline, and this was when I was still mainly doing 7 hour flights. Madness I tell you.

So one summer I decided to go and get some form of calming pills. A friend had told me that they use them and I thought "why suffer?". Plus, enough of grabbing random people's hands and getting asked "is this the first time you've flown?" [so embarrassing]...

So I get to the pharmacy and I tell the pharmacist "I'm terrified of flying, anything you'd advise?" 

His reply?

"Do you want something to calm you down or something to knock you out?"

*blink blink*

"uhh just something to calm me down thanks..."

?!%("£%!))*£%&

You might wonder why I didn't pick the second option. Aha! You see, not only am I afraid of flying, I am even more terrified of getting DVT and dying. Yes, I would rather suffer 8 hours of anxiety than risk the possibility of getting a blood clot due to sleeping on a plane. Even though I don't smoke and I'm not obese. Yet I resist DVT like the plague. I constantly drink water on airplanes and pee every 20 minutes because I do not want to die after I have reached my fabulous destination.*

Some flights are better than others. And sometimes I do just pass out from exhaustion and sleep through it all. Which makes me wonder why I don't just get over my fear. 

The worst times are when I'm just starting to relax on a flight and *bump* turbulence and then...

...the fasten your seat belt sign comes on...

My brain goes into overdrive. 

omgomg we're gonna hit major turbulence

omgomgomg it must be bad if the pilot needs us to stay seated

what?he's also announcing it?this is going to be bad 

My palms start to sweat. My fingers feel prickly because of all the adrenaline. My mouth gets dry. My breath shortens. My stomach does somersaults. I need to pee....can't leave my seat...Sometimes I have a little cry. It's pathetic.

My ultimate worst experience? Flight from Dubai to London. Sitting with my brother, watching movies. And we hit the worst turbulence I have ever experienced. I mean, the stewards and stewardesses were told to sit down and buckle up. And that plane was shaking. The plastic cup on our table got knocked over. The lights were dimmed (it was nighttime). Then the TVs were switched off. And as you are in your seat, shaking like a polaroid, you suddenly look forward and realise that you are in a metal barrel in the sky. I was so scared. Squeezing my brother's hand. Asking the lady next to me if she wanted to hold hands too. It's a bonding experience. For sure.

The cherry on top? When the turbulence did eventually pass, some lady a couple of seats in front of me (who, by the way, SLEPT through the ENTIRE ordeal) turned to the stewardess and said "when will the TVs be switched back on?".

I hate those people. 

Sx

*a another crazy side of me that I will share...eventually...maybe...

Confidence

You may be surprised to learn that, for someone with an ego like mine, I really struggle with self-confidence. I've been thinking about this a lot over the past year, what with changing careers and countries, and the challenges that come with both transitions. I think I'm getting closer to understanding why I have this underlying self-doubt, but let's leave that for post-Ramadhan when we're not so sleep deprived!

One of the problems of not having enough confidence, at least for me, is that I always panic that I'm never going to learn the thing at hand. As in, I think I should just be amazing at something I've just picked up. And that usually overwhelms and stresses me, and then makes me less likely to learn (stress = things not sticking in your brain, it's scientific). And I compare myself to others who have mastered said thing and convince myself that the reason they're amazing at it is because they are geniuses and I'm not. Which, maybe 1% of the time is right, but the other 99% of the time, that person would have worked hard to get to where they are now, and so my comparison is irrational and absolutely counter-productive.

And many people struggle with believing in their abilities. Friends of mine, who are successful in life, tell me that they lack confidence, especially in the work place. And this doubt stops them from speaking out, or causes them to back down from ideas they bring to the table. It's crazy. They have obviously reached the positions they're in by way of experience and time, yet they are unsure of their capabilities.

I've noticed that I do things better, quicker and with less worry when I am confident that I can handle the matter at hand. So I'm taking a conscious decision that, when I am in a situation that I am terrified in, instead of panic, to just take a step back, remind myself how many incredible accomplishments I have and how, in a lot of them, it just took time and perseverance. 

It's not that easy, reminding yourself this. Especially since when you are panicking that you aren't up to the task, the last thing your mind has the capacity to do is insist that it's amazing! Vicious cycle! But I'm determined to change my mindset, and not get angry during those times that I'm not able to believe in myself. 

I'll let you know how it's working out, and do feel free to share your thoughts on this and/or post some suggestions!

Have a great week!

Sx 

An Apology

I would like to apologise for being so rubbish at writing recently. I'd like to think that I have followers (the ego in me!) and I wanted to take some time to tell you that I've just been super busy over the past few weeks. Yes, I know, if you're gonna start a blog then take the time to write something. But my time management skills are a work in progress and when I get home from work all I really do is just about watch TV and attempt to go to the gym. On top of that, any writing reminds me that I have a dissertation due in just under 7 weeks requiring 6,000 more words...! 

So, I apologise for being quiet over the past few weeks and for the few weeks to come. I hope that I will be able to blog a lot more in about a month and a half!

Until then, I hope there is much sunshine (and many BBQs!!) where ever you are!

Sx

The Hormonal Black Hole

 


For quite a few years now, I've noticed that I have days where I'm just not myself - I'm a stick of dynamite waiting to explode. A hurricane waiting to collide with you. A storm gathering its force...you get the picture.

I had some of these days recently, and I randomly commented to a friend that I had been in a black hole but I was now out of it. And I then realised that the term "black hole" was unbelievably apt. And I began thinking about the characteristics of these horrendous vacuums that swallow you whole.

You can usually tell, from the minute you wake up, that it's gonna be "one of those days". Seriously, from the second your sleep laden eyelids are opened. And you hope that nighttime will hurry up along so that you can leave this feeling behind without too much collateral damage.

You pick up the pieces of whatever energy you do find and get out of bed. Your partner may smile at you or even blow you a kiss...and you think "What are you so HAPPY about? Can't you see I'm MISERABLE?!" (but of course they can't! They can't read your mind). Alas, it's too late. You have subconsciously decided that your anger shall be projected at them...FOR THE REST OF THE DAY.

Now, these days are filled with adventures. Every wrinkle is noted and magnified and dramatised and you know you're now on the other side of that hill. You spill your morning coffee on your favourite pjs, or worse, in your cereal. You stare at your wardrobe and wonder why, after hundreds of pounds, you still have nothing to wear.

Should the phone ring, you don't pick it up. You stare at it and shout in your head "leave me alone!!". Messages are left unanswered. Emails pile up. You're convinced that friends that do text you supportive words are doing it out of duty and those with practical advice are being unsupportive so might as well keep their advice to themselves.

You think, maybe retail therapy will help (or cheese). Then you realise that you were supposed to get your finances in order. Actually, your whole life in order. And then it all feels too monumental anyway. The voices in the evil black hole persuade you that you're no good at anything. You check the time and wonder why it's only 3pm when you've been awake for what feels like days and days.

A lunch reminds you of your lack of commitment to a healthy lifestyle. Everything on TV is dull, or turns you into a sobbing mess. You can't focus on a book. Moping seems like the answer, and you hope someone will notice that YOU'RE the victim. But, honestly, if they offer solace, you'd just yell at them for not "getting it".

A concerned question of "are you ok?" is met with evil stares, unconvincing shrugs or the dreaded "I'm fine" response (why oh why does it seem like a good response?!). Thing is, sometimes you know nothing is *really* wrong and this sensation will pass. Unfortunately, that just exacerbates the situation in your head, compounded with the already swirling question of "what is wrong with me?!".

Now, these feelings may be similar to how sufferers of depression feel. But, the catch is, this black cloud lifts after 24-48 hours. And you wonder why on Earth you were mean to your poor partner. And why you still haven't recognised these hormonal patterns?

You wake up the next morning, sing a tune and make some toast. 

Sx