30(ish) day challenge complete

It's true - I completed 30 days of yoga! Ok, I did do it in 32 days but I did do it. 

Have I mentioned I'm impatient? Well, I am. I want results now. So as I sit to write this I very much was wishing I'd be uploading an incredible photo of having my hands flat on the floor, looking up with a flat back. Instead, I can only really upload a photo of my feet. You're welcome.

The colours are more vibrant in real life...

Although a small part of me is gutted I'm not really that much more flexible than when I first started the challenge, I have noticed the following:

• happy to wake up at 6am to do yoga - believe me, I would've never betted on myself in a 1000 years
• stronger legs when doing the Warrior poses
• longer inhalations & exhalations
• a little bit more open to the world (something I will continue to work on)

The best part of doing yoga is those days where you really are in the zone. Because, honestly, there are some days where you're not in the mood and falling over your coffee table. On the more focussed days, I found I could set a clear intention (which isn't necessary) and I see it materialise during the day. For example, I remember one day I intended to be more "accomplished" and then throughout the day I was ticking off my to-do tasks like no body's business. It reaffirmed that I was in control of how I approached each day, which is a very freeing feeling. Adriene (the lady whose videos I follow) is also very encouraging in asking you to "create space" and "open your heart", both of which, in my opinion, are very important concepts. To understand that, no matter where you are physically, you can create some emotional and spiritual space is very liberating and a great skill to have! 

I'm really happy that I took on the challenge and stuck with it. I'm thinking of doing Adriene's 30 Day YogaCamp, which looks incredible, but some of the videos are an hour long, meaning I'd have to wake up at 5:30am to fit them in before work. I'm not sure I'll be able to handle that...plus we're staring Season 3 of Downton Abbey and we try to watch one episode each night, even if it'll kill us haha. So my alternative is to pick 5 videos to do during the week and then do the camp during the weekends. I've not decided yet, but I'll keep you posted. And I hope that maybe I'm convincing some of you to take up yoga? 

-Sx

Renewed Year, Renewed Me.

Unlike some, I don't have a love or hate relationship with New Year Resolutions. I like giving myself some "to do" tasks but I don't hold myself to a time or worry that I didn't sign up to the gym on 1st January (note: instead I decided to sign up in November and pay three months' worth of membership already...oh dear). After all, we set ourselves tasks throughout the year so I figure this is the same and there's no point getting hung up about not sporting a six pack in time for Cadbury Cream Egg season.

Having said that, this year I'm setting myself 3 resolutions and one massive overhaul. It will be life changing. Not pulling a reverse Caitlin Jenner folks, no, I'm going on a journey of self-nurture and care. But first, my 3 resolutions:

• Give blood - many years ago I read an article about resolutions and it suggested how about resolving to donate blood? Every year since then I've made this resolution but have never been able to (usually because I'd been in some "exotic" country that year). This will be the year.

• Run 10km - I've downloaded the app so I must be serious about this, right? I'm not a natural runner. I want to be. I'm angry at my genetic make up for not being one (this is crazy, I know, it's like my "why don't I have blue eyes?" phase - there was one, it was long and ridiculous, ask my mom). Anyway, the most I've ever jogged in one go was 6km and that was after years of regular jogging. I won't let that phase me. I truly believe it is achievable in a year and so I'm giving myself 2016 to achieve this goal. Maybe at some point I'll sign up to a race to motivate myself. Not maybe. I will.

• Crow pose in yoga - at first I thought I should set myself the goal of a head stand (the funky one where you're supported by your forearms) but then I decided crow pose instead...this had nothing to do with my lack of faith in myself! Ultimately though, I want to build it up slowly and want the result to be incorporating more yoga in my life. So, this is resolution 3.

All fairly achievable resolutions in my opinion and I'm super happy with having come up with them.

As for the overhaul.

I'm a believer in energies - negative, positive, internal, external, universal, local, mind, body, soul. For a while now I've not been taking care of myself as well as I should. Self-care is a funny concept. First of all, I shy away from dwelling on the idea too much because I recognise that I am privileged and live a wonderful life therefore, surely, I shouldn't have any "issues", right? Wrong.

Secondly, I find that some people are naturally better at balancing their thoughts, lives and priorities. They give weight to the "right" things. Where this is most apparent to me is when I see people committing fully to something and reaping the rewards. I've steered away from multi-tasking for the past few years now (and if you can, I would highly recommend it). Problem is, I don't fully commit because my mind wanders off to the silliest of places. Let me give you a couple of examples:

Attending an interesting talk

"...this talk is great, so glad I came...I hope I don't have an ugly concentrating face...the speaker is so eloquent, will I ever be that good?...oh if only I was better at [xyz]....omg he/she is only 26 and already this good at what he/she does!...am I asking the right questions?...oh no did I focus too much on myself when I was talking to [whoever I was talking to]..."

Going to a gym class:

"...well done me for signing up to this class, I am going to give it my all....ugh my legs hurt...will I get cyclist thighs?! I don't want that...look at that person at the front, they know all the sequences!..I wonder if I can justify a burger now?...love that tights & top combination, wonder where she got it from...oh dear I have no coordination..I'm failing at this class..yes, I'm officially failing at life..."

You see what I mean? Rather than allowing the positive energy to flow, I'm blocking it out with my constant talking, which includes self-doubt! Which is why I need to change it. I feel (correct me if I'm wrong) that people who commit to an action / event are more engaged, thus benefit more, both short-term and long-term. And I think this is directly related to being a more balanced person and having the confidence to enjoy what you are doing in the moment and grow from it. 

So, more balance = happier Saba.

How will I set to achieve this you ask?

1. I will schedule time in my calendar! So far this is working well - it's nice to see what's coming up and have something to look forward to. Where I can improve is by allowing myself enough time to do what I scheduled to do. Sometimes I don't want to say "no" so what ends up happening is I over schedule. I try to please everyone and end up pleasing no-one, or worse, end up with a cold at home cancelling plans and feeling rather silly for it. How many of us are guilty of over-scheduling, eh?!

2. Self-reflection, yoga and Reiki. In addition to time spent with L, family and friends and also myself, I want to use some of my free time in actively healing myself. Even though I fully believe this is what I need, while I write this I keep thinking "there are billions of people who are surviving and happy without any of this extra self-attention". It's ridiculous. To start off with, how do I know who is "happy" or not? Also, if I want to positively affect those who are less fortunate than me then surely I should get to a place where I can assist, and if I'm not yet in that place, shouldn't I pro-actively head in that direction? And so, I know I must focus on myself to finally be able to support those around me in a considerate and genuine manner. Reiki is a practice I've heard a lot about from a very close friend of mine. I've always been curious and this year I am going to get some dates in the diary to seek a Reiki therapist. Honestly, I can't wait. More on that later I'm sure!

3. Be present and lessen the over analysing. Say "yes" more often. Stop worrying if you're in fact enjoying the moment or not. 

And there they are. My resolutions for 2016. I'm proud to say that since I've started writing this post I've done 7 days of yoga (30 Day Yoga with Adriene Challenge) and I feel GOOD. And once I've gotten rid of this cough I'll be utilising my running app & jogging leggings. 

I'm hoping to be able to share some self-reflection on here (ie another self-obsessed person on the Internet talking about themselves *yawn*) if anything, to keep me on track. If you have any resolutions or thoughts, please do share as I love hearing what journey everyone else is embarking on.

With lots of love,

~Sx

Hello there.

I remember the night that Louis declared….

... “the Saudis are bombing Sana’a”. 

I was awake due to my full bladder, having gone to bed without any sign of distress or imminent conflict in Yemen. It took all of my willpower to avoid checking my Jordanian mobile phone, knowing that if I was contacted on that, then things were bad. Instead, I chose to send a WhatsApp to my mother to see if they were ok and convinced myself to go back to sleep, thinking that whatever would happen will happen and I’ll find out in the morning.

When I woke up, I checked the news. It was true. The Saudis had decided to start bombing Sana’a overnight, while people were asleep in their beds, thinking they were going to wake up to another day of the Yemeni chaos they’d gotten used to over the past two years. I stared at the screen in disbelief. I started following the story. For the first time ever I felt angry at the world. I felt betrayed, abandoned, shocked. I managed to speak to my mother daily, but the situation was deteriorating. In a ridiculous effort to brand this ridiculous operative, the attacks were called "Operation Decisive Storm". I'm not quite sure what was so decisive about this operation, save that they could've decided to storm their libraries instead of their weapon halls.

Shortly after, I posted some thoughts on social media, feelings I still have over 9 months later: 

...I don’t know why I feel it’s so important to post my opinion, but I guess in a time where I feel so helpless, this is the only way I know how to express...These countries ["the coalition"] have sufficient problems of their own  -perhaps consider spending the millions that you are destroying my country in fixing up yours (or mine if you insist on spending money). You stand for “democracy” yet none of you are democratic...The world has disappointed me so much over the last few days. I feel so, so, so sad. I’m heartbroken...I feel no sense of justice. And I don’t want anyone to start claiming that Syria or Palestine or whoever are worse or better or whatever. This has nothing to do with them. This is about Yemen. And the World has failed us...

I read article after article, trying to understand what was going on. I think what bothers me the most about this war, well any war, is that it is all political. It sprouted out of (seemingly) nothing and there's no end in sight. I'm reminded that I can't blame the Saudi's fully, and I can accept that. I can accept that Yemen was already in a bad place, that we were most likely heading towards a civil war. But ultimately, it was our civil war. It bothers me that, in a country where the gun to man ration is 4:1, the population witnessed what was relatively a bloodless revolution. The fact is, us Yemenis are fairly laid back people. We are simple and are just about getting by with what we know. And here are these power drunk, egotistical, filthy rich neighbours who have decided to play a game with our lives.

We are all bleeding for Yemen. I can’t begin to imagine the fear that the people still living in the country are feeling. Less than a month into the war, we started discussing evacuation with my mother and siblings in Sana'a. It was not something we ever thought we'd have to discuss, assess, resort to. What made me most sad about that, however, was the fact that millions of people throughout history have been through this. They've had to abandon their homes, their lives, and sometimes, their families. And yet, this gave me a weird sense of calm - knowing that my family were going through something so many before them have had to endure, survive and ultimately, prevail over. And yet it made me so sad at the state of the world. Of course I know that I stopped to analyse my feelings towards this because my family were being affected. Of course it's selfish. But it doesn't make me any less heartbroken for those who've been through it before.

My family have now managed to leave Yemen, not without the stories that inevitably arise from any evacuation quest ever undertaken.

When I started this post back in April 2015…let that sink in…I was going to recount some events that others have shared with me and photos from family members of their houses being destroyed. But now, over 200 days since the first bomb was dropped, I’m not sure that’s sufficient. Truly, I don’t know what is. I'll read the news stories and hear family accounts. We'll all see horrendous photos being posted of the inconceivable humanitarian situation and wonder why any of it happened in the first place. And maybe one day, nowhere in the near future unfortunately, those in power will finally realise that the only way to live in a peaceful world is to stop weapons from ever being made, invested in and mostly, profited from. 

Selfishly, I had to publish this post, to move on a little bit. I’ll bury my head in the sand and focus on myself to survive another hour, day, week, month. I’ve never felt as confused as I have in 2015, when I truly grasped the concept of political games and how, logical and attainable answers are ignored because those in power have their own agendas to fulfil.

Yemen will never be forgotten, because anyone who’s spent any time there has a unique love story that will forever live on. I’m not sure how the Yemeni people will come out of this - they remained optimistic for so long but now have every reason to give up hope. The dust won’t settle anytime soon. I hope that when it does, there will still be remnants of the Yemen I once knew.

I start writing here more often again. I have an inkling that my ponderings will be more sombre, but I promise to include some random photos and musings in between so as not to push anyone over the edge!

Here’s hoping 2016 will be kind to us all.

Sx

I am Girl

In May 2013, I watched The Stoning of Soraya M., and I started writing this blog post. 

Today, on account of it being International Women's Day and the discussions happening all around me, I will finish what I started writing. I must preface my post by saying that I am not a social expert. I am not a historian. I am only an observer in this life of mine, trying to make sense of what I've seen, heard and felt in my years on this planet. And you know what else, I must mention that perhaps my name - an ancient land in Yemen ruled by Queen Balquis, lends itself quite nicely to my determined, outspoken personality!

 

Within minutes of starting to watch The Stoning of Soraya M, I knew it would hit some very sensitive nerves with me. The theme of men controlling women and using religion as their justification made my blood boil. I cried so much, thinking of all the losses women must suffer on account of their sex and / or "religion". 

I will try not to let emotion get in the way, but I guess it's difficult when it's a subject so close to home.

I am a very, very fortunate person. I have a family who are kind to me and my dear father, may he rest in peace, never made me feel that I was worth anything less than my brothers or the people around me. There are women who are brought down their entire lives, told that they are worth nothing, until they believe it themselves, and worse, proceed to tell other women around them that they, too, are worthless.

I don't make out that I understand what these women go through, or know the kind of emotional abuse they, sometimes unknowingly, suffer. I do know women who have stopped going to school at the age of 11, because it was wrong for them to be in a class taught by a man. It was a'aib (shameful) or haram (against Islam). Imagine, generations of girls growing up uneducated, not being able to read or write. Tradition then stipulated that they be married off to a man whom they may never live with, who is in a different country sending them money, while they stay at home with their mothers and serve the males around them.

These women do not feel that they are victims, they feel that this is the norm and are usually grateful to be married rather than growing up a spinster. Which does make me realise that, what is happiness for me is not happiness for them. But that is getting off topic.

I get angry because I see men stopping women from advancing, using excuses like Islam prohibits it, or that it's a'aib or that it's "for their own good". And so all of these women believe that, indeed, these men are looking after their welfare by taking their salaries and marrying them off to men and taking their dowries and stealing their inheritance. It's all because these men care about them and, even if they disagreed, they wouldn't dare challenge them because they are men. I have seen sister grow up never challenging their brothers because they are the men in the house and their opinions, as women, amounted to nothing.

It's an easy trap to fall into if you live in a society like that. To believe that you are only worth as much as the men tell you are. You are disposable. If you do have an idea, a dream of bettering yourself, everyone around you, women included, tell you that you are crazy. That this idea won't work. That you will bring shame. And that you will be ousted from the family if you bring dishonour.

Family. The people who are meant to love you unconditionally. Instead, they hammer at your head, until you are at ground level and believe irrational things like your son is worth more than your daughter and you teach her this. And the cycle continues.

Of course all of these (depressing) thoughts made me think of empowerment. I don't believe that empowerment or liberation is acting recklessly without accountability. I also don't believe that empowerment is demanding to be equal with men. We are not equal to men. Men are not equal to us. That is why life is so wonderful - we are different and we are complimentary. But what we do need to strive for is having the same opportunities, the same options. That is equality. That is what this movement is about, has been about and should continue to be about.

And I think empowerment goes deeper than that. I don't believe it's telling someone that they are better than someone else. I believe it's telling someone that they throughout their lives, they will be presented with the same opportunities as everyone else around them, regardless of gender. Imagine if we began to instill this confidence in women. The world would change, for the better.

I have a real issue with the term "feminism" and the negative connotations attached to it. It seems as though when a man calls for equal rights for men and women, he is hailed as a liberal, as a hero, a warrior. But when a woman does the same, she is labelled a feminist. I almost began to think that feminism was only attributable to females, in the way that some people around me used the term to only describe women striving for their rights. So this morning, and before I came to hash out my thoughts on this forum, I looked up the word "feminism". Here is the definition from Merriam-Webster:

 
As I suspected, feminism did not call for a biased treatment of women. It calls for equal treatment. For those that think that feminists insist that everything should be divided 50-50 between men and women (for example, that out of 10 board members 5 must be women), you are missing the point. Perhaps men are better suited to the corporate world. Perhaps women are better suited to be teachers. But the opportunity to be either should be the same for both sexes. If you are telling me that men are getting certain jobs more than women are because they are more qualified for those roles (after, say, an interview process), then I have no issue with that. Currently, unfortunately, women are not given those opportunities. And even more sadly, women get paid less than men for the exact same job. The glass ceiling is real and it's time we eliminate it.

I started reading a book last night. It's called Men Explain Things to Me. I am not very far into this collection of essays, but the author said something that struck me. She said, 

"Most women fight wars on two fronts, one for whatever the putative topic is and one simple for the right to speak, to have ideas, to be acknowledged to be in possession of facts and truths, to have value, to be a human being."

Ain't that the truth? When a woman MP speaks into that mic, not only is she making the point she is hoping to make, she is also fighting against generations of people believing that she has no place in Parliament. She is fighting to validate her appointment, to give credibility to her voice. Her words are not always heard for what they are. They are marred by the niggling thoughts in some of her peers' heads. She is up there proving that she is worthy of being up there and trying to get her point across, at the same time. And without being too emotional, or passionate, or compassionate, or tough, or rude, or loud, or soft spoken. So many variables to keep in check, so that you can come off as "not an emotional woman".

These thoughts had to come off my chest. This topic is so close to my heart, it's so close to my upbringing, to who I am. The strive for equality for our genders, sons, daughters, brothers and sisters cannot be halted, suspended. Maybe it's time a new word replaces "feminism" to give way for positive connotations and actions to follow them. I don't know. I just know that this topic is real, that women around the world are mistreated and that we need to change the status quo.

Sx

Full of grace?

You know how they say that you are measured not by how you react to success but it's how you react to challenges or failures? I'll be the first to admit, I'm not one who exhibits qualities of grace and gratitude that easily. More often than not, when something "bad" happens to me, I'll moan and tell you how I'm the victim. Sometimes I don't, sometimes I will listen to that particular piece of information, let it wash over me and then move on with my day and trust that all will be well.

I was faced with a situation today. A situation that arose due to my passport's colour and the visa restrictions it faces from countries around the world. Some of my plans are potentially ruined and that part of my salary I was hoping to spend dining out and shopping may have to be allocated to something else less glamourous. But I am so thankful that today I didn't lose my head. I didn't cry or feel sorry for myself. I planned some things to try and reverse the situation (because you can't give up without a fight!) and made some calculations, but other than that, I went to the gym, washed my hair and here I am writing an overdue blog post. I didn't feel sad because, not only do I know that what's meant to be will be and when what will be will be the best for me, but also because I am so incredibly privileged and lucky to be able to have done everything I have despite my little passport. I thought of people who only dream of leaving their home town and remembered how thankful I am for all that I have done in this life. 

And I know this doesn't make me a saint and in fact, bragging about it makes it quite the opposite, but I am so happy that I had the grace to be grateful for my life. It's something I have not done in a while, and this is the Universe's way of sending me a gentle reminder.

I hope all of you have had a wonderful start to your week and being more grateful than me without the drama involved!

Sx

BuhBye 2014

I'll claim that I'm publishing this "new year" post late on purpose. One week in should be enough time to figure out what resolutions I may actually accomplish. Last year I resolved to take more photos and be more considerate. I can happily say that I took LOADS of photos and look forward to taking more this year. As for being more considerate...might have to keep at that one I'm afraid!

It's been no secret that 2014 was NOT my favourite year. It wasn't my worst year either...I think. There's a nice question to start off the new year - what was your worst year? 

What made 2014 unbearable? It wasn't the entire year. No. I mean, it started off quite nicely, had a lovely trip to Singapore in February, saw my mother in law's side of the family, ate yummy food, cooed at a polar bear. I attended a fantastic PA conference in March in London. The summer kicked off with the World Cup, followed by wedding madness and catching up with friends in England. An impressive amount of sightseeing was accomplished. Oh and turning the fabulous 3-0.

It was the quarter of the year after we came back to Jordan in August. There was something about months September - December that, sadly, made getting out of bed in the mornings a challenging affair. I wish I could blame the weather in this instance, but I can't, because the worst of the winter came to Amman yesterday. So,  no, it wasn't the weather. I think it was a mix of work being extremely busy (and it seemed like that for almost every one I've spoken to in the past 4 months) and not having any vacays. I tell you, boy was I happy for 1 January 2015 to come around. 

There was one silver lining. It started on the night of an incredible Halloween party, and has continued until now. We have managed to see our close group of friends in Amman almost weekly. We've gone for Korean food, Indian food, played badminton, gone indoor climbing and cooked the most unbelievable Christmas dinner. These meetings were like tiny stars at the end of each week, and I am forever grateful for the friends we've shared memories with here.

~Leading nicely into resolutions for 2015:

*Surround yourself with people who make you laugh, challenge you and are up for documenting the memories with silly photographs!*

*Realise that life is pretty amazing - stop telling yourself that you are not good enough / could never be that perfect / can't accomplish what others have*

And that's all from me folks! Here's to 2015 being a kind year to us all! 

Sx

The introvert bubble

You may remember how much I love personality tests. In particular, the Jung Typology Test, which defined me as an ISFJ (Introverted Sensing Feeling Judging). I remember reading the results completely awestruck because it.was.all.so.accurate. (highly, highly recommend taking the test - here)

I've been thinking a lot about the introverted aspects of my personality. I don't believe that we're all so clearly and easily categorised into categories made to categorise us. However, I do think that, more often than not, generalisations hold a lot of truth. I am a classic introvert in that I recharge from within. I read somewhere that extroverts need to spend time with people in order to be able to spend time alone and introverts need to spend time alone in order to be with people. We recharge our batteries during the time we spend alone. And we're rarely bored if left with ourselves! I've always enjoyed the time I spend with myself (esp with a good book!) and kept a journal for many years. Thinking about it now, almost every party I attended as a youngster (and sometimes even now) I felt like an outsider and I just did what I had to do until I could go home and unwind. Having said that, I also enjoy big parties and meeting people and spending time with a few close people who recharge me. That in itself is an introverted trait - choosing a few close friends wisely who actually add to your energy rather than diminish it.

I've also been thinking about the difference between extroverts and introverts. And here's an example. As an introvert, when you're in a bad mood, you want to retreat into yourself. The opposite of what an extrovert would do. Which means that when you're in a bad mood and an extrovert is around you, they come to comfort you, which doesn't work. In fact, it may cause more anguish. And vice versa - when I am around an extrovert who needs some comforting, my immediate thought is "sort yourself out" and then I try to go and make a coffee and get away from the situation where I'm needed to comfort that person. It's not very kind of me, is it? I believe there are two reasons for this. Firstly, as an introvert, I tend to try and figure out my problems and why I'm feeling like I am privately. I'm fairly pragmatic when it comes to getting things done. When I'm feeling unwell, I take medication, entertain myself and wait until I get better. Of course I want someone to make me soup and bring me coffee, but I guess I sometimes prefer not to attract more attention by asking for help. Secondly, I remove myself from situations where I'm needed emotionally because it drains my energies, and my priority is self-perseverance.

I've really come to realise this truth recently. I prioritise self-perseverance, and sometimes it comes across to others as being selfish. I do care for a lot of things, and I think about them when I'm alone or I show my care towards them very materialistically, giving the impression that my care doesn't scratch the surface. But I do care. And at the same time, I can't risk negative emotional equity. It's very difficult to come out of.

I am prone to giving too much and then setting the expectations on myself too high. I deliver, I deliver and then I'm in the situation where those around me don't realise how much effort it takes to do those things that I've been doing. And then I am suddenly expected to do so many different things and my time to myself is relegated to the bottom of my personal to-do lists and before I know it, I am exhausted. Emotionally. Physically. Sometimes people think that I don't make the time or that too much is being expected of me. But it's not that. It's that even that little extra effort requires super human strength. It's just too much. 

To recharge you need to be alone. Sometimes for minutes, sometimes for hours and sometimes for days. On those days that you can't be truly alone, the recovery takes longer, making the whole ordeal seem worse and making you seem like an exceptionally selfish person. It's like when you get the flu. You get better quicker by staying at home for 2 days than braving it for 2 weeks. Sometimes, finding those 2 days for recovery are a luxury, and that's the truth. So you come up with coping mechanisms. You convince yourself that some stressful tasks are actually therapeutic (like blow drying your hair - not therapeutic at all if you ask me!). And you get by slowly until you get a chance to have that recharge you so crave. 

So that's my take on being an introvert. And I'm sorry it's quite a sombre subject...I have a suspicion I'll revisit this subject sometime in the future so forgive me for the pensive thoughts. And I do wish I understood extroverts better, so that I could emphasise when they are going through the equivalent in their eyes instead of coming across as cold. 

It's been a long year. I was all hopeful about 2014, but I'm not going to miss it much if I'm honest. I'm looking forward to 2015. Be kind to us. 

Sx

*the photo can be found on Unsplash, where you can use photos for free.

Where to from here?

I know I've not been very vocal on here for a while.

I do have some exciting photos and reviews I'd like to share with you.

I do have posts that are lighthearted and liken me to Dora the Explorer.

But it's been difficult when my mind has been really occupied with figuring out how to escape the maze that is my brain.

Conundrum.

I'm not one to plan where I want to be and by when. I find that things tend to work themselves out and well, whatever's meant to be will be. Of course, I do hope for things and strive to achieve them because not doing so would kind be crazy...right? It's just if you had told me 3 years ago that I'd be living and working in Jordan I don't think I would've really believed you. And the reverse situation is true, I have no clue where I'll be three years from now.

But for some unknown reason (maturity possibly being it, but let's not be too ambitious here) I lay awake in bed many nights wondering if this is where I imagined life would take me and if this is what I want right now. It's a weird question, because I have nothing to compare it to. I can't bring up my notes from last year and say "yup, crossed that off my list" because, you know, I don't have that list.

Whenever I'm at a cross-roads I tell myself, ugh I wish decisions would just be made for me. Of course I don't want that. Of course I realise that making your own decisions is a privilege. Unfortunately growing up and making decisions are such painful processes for me, since I prefer to bury my head in Topshop.com instead of facing my realities. But I've really started to think about where my life is heading, what choices I want to make next and where I want them to take me.

Here's a confession, I started writing this post about a week ago. And here I am tying it off because I am no closer to finding my decisions than when I first started.

I know one thing is for sure though.

I want to make a plan. I want to reach conclusions, decisions. For once, I am not going to hide. I am going to figure this out...whatever "this" is to me right now. I won't settle. I can't settle. It would be wasting that privilege I'm so fortunate to have.

Sx

Mark Complete

Source.

One thing that I really like about being a PA is that I [try] never to utter the statement "I'm too busy" as an excuse. The way I see it, I'm a PA, I should be fabulous (darling) at all things organisational. And simply put, I have the ability to plan my day according to my hours and make sure I manage expectations. And if I see that my day is a busy one, well two things completed is better than no things completed.

Of course this is easier said than done. Whilst I feel that I've done pretty well in never using the I'm too busy excuse for several months now, I have found that this week I really have not been able to complete everything I've wanted to.  My unpacking took 4 days. My flagged task since Thursday is yet to be "marked complete". And I just managed to go to the gym for the first time in two months.

I have indeed felt like those characters in the picture above. And more than once I've thought "should I start panicking or am I in denial that I'm already panicking?". Luckily, I'm slowly making my way through my never ending to do list, doing all I can to keep my cool and of course, resorting to laughing at myself when times get tough. After all, if I'm not going to keep myself entertained, then who will?

Doesn't it feel like sometimes there really just aren't enough hours in the day? Better get better at saying "do you mind if that waits until tomorrow next week?".

How's everyone else doing then? 

Sx

Lingering Legacies

**I originally wrote this post this time last year. I wasn't quite ready to post it then, but I am now. I have tried not to change many of the words I wrote last year, except in the instances to clarify my meaning. I also finally added my "conclusion", which, while I knew what I wanted to say, I couldn't quite articulate last year. One of the reasons I couldn't post this last year was because I didn't want it to be taken as attention or pity seeking. Though I now understand that those reactions may be invoked, I hope that this post will achieve what I hope to achieve with this blog in general, and that is to relate to others.**

I believe the last photo I have with my Dad. August 2007. London.

 Six years ago today, my father passed away. In the same manner that he didn't trouble anyone during his life, he passed away quietly at home. His death was mercifully swift in its own way, and I'm thankful it wasn't prolonged by a long hospital stay or the agonising uncertainty that accompanies his condition.

I wasn't there when it happened. By the time my brother and I arrived, we didn't get a chance to see him and say our good-byes.

I remember some parts of that day vividly. How I was grateful that my older brother told me that my father passed away and didn't allow us to wonder in vain whether we'd make it in time. How the only tears I shed were when I told Louis. How I emailed a detailed memo outlining all outstanding work to my boss at the time.

Anyway. There are some things that I regret in life. The regret that we're always told not to have in our lives. The regret that makes me think that, if I had a chance to go back now and change my actions, I would. One of those regrets is that I wish I'd spent more time with my dad. Even though I knew he wasn't well, I didn't value the time we had together. I wish I could say it was because of denial. That would suggest that I knew the gravity of the situation and couldn't deal with it. I wish I could say that. But I think I was too self-involved and chose not to register what everyone around me was saying...which meant I spent the little time we did ultimately have causing unnecessary problems to people I loved by lashing out at them and being selfish.

Whilst I was in Sana'a for my father's funeral, I didn't cry, and definitely not in front of anyone. Not once. I couldn't. Partly because I didn't want to be told it was normal to mourn or, alternatively, be told that this is the course of life and I shouldn't be sad. That my Dad is in a better place. But mainly because I felt too guilty.

I felt, I knew, that if I cried, everyone around me would think it was because I was mourning my father, and comment on what a loving daughter I was and / or how sad life is to take him away while my brother and I were comparatively young. But I knew the reasons for crying would be tainted by selfishness. Tainted by my regret for not showing him how much I loved and respected him. Of all of the missed opportunities. Or an accumulation of all the losses I felt in my life, related or not. My tears would not be pure and I didn't want to be perceived as a good daughter, when I wasn't. And so instead I preferred to remain dry eyed and just carry on.

I think of my father every day. I wish I had the maturity and sense, just common sense, to have sat and listened to him and discussed the significant and insignificant things in life. Death. So final. So heartbreakingly final.

Since the funeral I have shed many tears. And even if some are selfish, I allow them to fall. Ultimately, I know there is a sadness inside and an emptiness marking his spot.

Leading up to today, I've been thinking of legacies. My father left many legacies. Us, his children, and grandchildren. The foundations he built for Yemen. The school established in our village, Aghrab. The many lives he touched and the impact he made. I wonder how can I leave a legacy that will make him proud and maybe even continue the legacies he left us. I am not likely to. However, one theme shines through.

My father was always kind, never cruel and he always, always knew that his actions would have consequences, reactions. And he chose for those reactions to be positive, through ensuring that his actions were kind. My father, the man who, when he would have breakfast outside in the garden, would take tear pieces of bread to leave for the birds. And that is when I realised that his legacy was so beautifully simple.

Be Kind.

That is it. That is how I can continue my father's legacy. I know there will be times when I will want to be cruel or put others down. But I will try. I will try.

Rest in peace Baba. We all miss you so much.

Sx 

Friday

Friday afternoon is my favourite time of the week. I get a chance to make a cup of coffee, sit in our enclosed verandah and just be. I love that I usually have no where to go, nothing to tick off my list. Today the weather is not so great, as it's overcast and skies are threatening to open up and drench us. Thank you climate change. 

It's been a funny couple of weeks for me since coming back from Singapore. I came back to work feeling energised, but more than once this week I've literally and metaphorically looked around me and wondered if I was good at what I do. If I added value to the person I am supporting. I know that some people would say not to be too honest on such a public platform as a blog. But I guess I am voicing these insecurities because, while I do get worried, I know that I do add value. It's just that, when you're trying to be amazing at anything, realising you're only good throws you off course. I feel as though I've lost focus. 

The good news is that in about two weeks time I will be attending a conference that I know will blow my mind out of the water. I'm looking forward to being inspired, to absorbing information and then hopefully applying it over here. I am unbelievably excited at being in the same room as other PAs who have achievements rivaling those of people who have more spotlight on them. And you know what, this makes me so grateful that I am in a career that I am enthused by. If this were 5 years ago, I would have never been excited to be in a room full of lawyers. And that's the truth. 

Although it's been a funny two weeks, there have been some wonderful progress in a project that a close person to me is working on. There is a unique happiness and satisfaction in seeing someone you love and respect receive good news about something they've toiled over. I've also reached out to another close person and we're working together to make change in their future. 

When I was younger, I always thought that change had to be BIG, had to impact hundreds to be worthwhile. Until I truly realised that making a difference is equally as impacting if you can change the course of one person's hour / day / week / month / year. That's all it takes. It's quite a powerful realisation for me, as not only can I do this daily by supporting the person I support at work, it also means that I am finally putting the correct weight on the things I do closer to home. 

The weather outside it still gray, and I see misty rain is starting to fall. I hope you have a great day / weekend wherever you are in the world. 

Sx