Renewed Year, Renewed Me.

Unlike some, I don't have a love or hate relationship with New Year Resolutions. I like giving myself some "to do" tasks but I don't hold myself to a time or worry that I didn't sign up to the gym on 1st January (note: instead I decided to sign up in November and pay three months' worth of membership already...oh dear). After all, we set ourselves tasks throughout the year so I figure this is the same and there's no point getting hung up about not sporting a six pack in time for Cadbury Cream Egg season.

Having said that, this year I'm setting myself 3 resolutions and one massive overhaul. It will be life changing. Not pulling a reverse Caitlin Jenner folks, no, I'm going on a journey of self-nurture and care. But first, my 3 resolutions:

• Give blood - many years ago I read an article about resolutions and it suggested how about resolving to donate blood? Every year since then I've made this resolution but have never been able to (usually because I'd been in some "exotic" country that year). This will be the year.

• Run 10km - I've downloaded the app so I must be serious about this, right? I'm not a natural runner. I want to be. I'm angry at my genetic make up for not being one (this is crazy, I know, it's like my "why don't I have blue eyes?" phase - there was one, it was long and ridiculous, ask my mom). Anyway, the most I've ever jogged in one go was 6km and that was after years of regular jogging. I won't let that phase me. I truly believe it is achievable in a year and so I'm giving myself 2016 to achieve this goal. Maybe at some point I'll sign up to a race to motivate myself. Not maybe. I will.

• Crow pose in yoga - at first I thought I should set myself the goal of a head stand (the funky one where you're supported by your forearms) but then I decided crow pose instead...this had nothing to do with my lack of faith in myself! Ultimately though, I want to build it up slowly and want the result to be incorporating more yoga in my life. So, this is resolution 3.

All fairly achievable resolutions in my opinion and I'm super happy with having come up with them.

As for the overhaul.

I'm a believer in energies - negative, positive, internal, external, universal, local, mind, body, soul. For a while now I've not been taking care of myself as well as I should. Self-care is a funny concept. First of all, I shy away from dwelling on the idea too much because I recognise that I am privileged and live a wonderful life therefore, surely, I shouldn't have any "issues", right? Wrong.

Secondly, I find that some people are naturally better at balancing their thoughts, lives and priorities. They give weight to the "right" things. Where this is most apparent to me is when I see people committing fully to something and reaping the rewards. I've steered away from multi-tasking for the past few years now (and if you can, I would highly recommend it). Problem is, I don't fully commit because my mind wanders off to the silliest of places. Let me give you a couple of examples:

Attending an interesting talk

"...this talk is great, so glad I came...I hope I don't have an ugly concentrating face...the speaker is so eloquent, will I ever be that good?...oh if only I was better at [xyz]....omg he/she is only 26 and already this good at what he/she does!...am I asking the right questions?...oh no did I focus too much on myself when I was talking to [whoever I was talking to]..."

Going to a gym class:

"...well done me for signing up to this class, I am going to give it my all....ugh my legs hurt...will I get cyclist thighs?! I don't want that...look at that person at the front, they know all the sequences!..I wonder if I can justify a burger now?...love that tights & top combination, wonder where she got it from...oh dear I have no coordination..I'm failing at this class..yes, I'm officially failing at life..."

You see what I mean? Rather than allowing the positive energy to flow, I'm blocking it out with my constant talking, which includes self-doubt! Which is why I need to change it. I feel (correct me if I'm wrong) that people who commit to an action / event are more engaged, thus benefit more, both short-term and long-term. And I think this is directly related to being a more balanced person and having the confidence to enjoy what you are doing in the moment and grow from it. 

So, more balance = happier Saba.

How will I set to achieve this you ask?

1. I will schedule time in my calendar! So far this is working well - it's nice to see what's coming up and have something to look forward to. Where I can improve is by allowing myself enough time to do what I scheduled to do. Sometimes I don't want to say "no" so what ends up happening is I over schedule. I try to please everyone and end up pleasing no-one, or worse, end up with a cold at home cancelling plans and feeling rather silly for it. How many of us are guilty of over-scheduling, eh?!

2. Self-reflection, yoga and Reiki. In addition to time spent with L, family and friends and also myself, I want to use some of my free time in actively healing myself. Even though I fully believe this is what I need, while I write this I keep thinking "there are billions of people who are surviving and happy without any of this extra self-attention". It's ridiculous. To start off with, how do I know who is "happy" or not? Also, if I want to positively affect those who are less fortunate than me then surely I should get to a place where I can assist, and if I'm not yet in that place, shouldn't I pro-actively head in that direction? And so, I know I must focus on myself to finally be able to support those around me in a considerate and genuine manner. Reiki is a practice I've heard a lot about from a very close friend of mine. I've always been curious and this year I am going to get some dates in the diary to seek a Reiki therapist. Honestly, I can't wait. More on that later I'm sure!

3. Be present and lessen the over analysing. Say "yes" more often. Stop worrying if you're in fact enjoying the moment or not. 

And there they are. My resolutions for 2016. I'm proud to say that since I've started writing this post I've done 7 days of yoga (30 Day Yoga with Adriene Challenge) and I feel GOOD. And once I've gotten rid of this cough I'll be utilising my running app & jogging leggings. 

I'm hoping to be able to share some self-reflection on here (ie another self-obsessed person on the Internet talking about themselves *yawn*) if anything, to keep me on track. If you have any resolutions or thoughts, please do share as I love hearing what journey everyone else is embarking on.

With lots of love,

~Sx

Full of grace?

You know how they say that you are measured not by how you react to success but it's how you react to challenges or failures? I'll be the first to admit, I'm not one who exhibits qualities of grace and gratitude that easily. More often than not, when something "bad" happens to me, I'll moan and tell you how I'm the victim. Sometimes I don't, sometimes I will listen to that particular piece of information, let it wash over me and then move on with my day and trust that all will be well.

I was faced with a situation today. A situation that arose due to my passport's colour and the visa restrictions it faces from countries around the world. Some of my plans are potentially ruined and that part of my salary I was hoping to spend dining out and shopping may have to be allocated to something else less glamourous. But I am so thankful that today I didn't lose my head. I didn't cry or feel sorry for myself. I planned some things to try and reverse the situation (because you can't give up without a fight!) and made some calculations, but other than that, I went to the gym, washed my hair and here I am writing an overdue blog post. I didn't feel sad because, not only do I know that what's meant to be will be and when what will be will be the best for me, but also because I am so incredibly privileged and lucky to be able to have done everything I have despite my little passport. I thought of people who only dream of leaving their home town and remembered how thankful I am for all that I have done in this life. 

And I know this doesn't make me a saint and in fact, bragging about it makes it quite the opposite, but I am so happy that I had the grace to be grateful for my life. It's something I have not done in a while, and this is the Universe's way of sending me a gentle reminder.

I hope all of you have had a wonderful start to your week and being more grateful than me without the drama involved!

Sx

The introvert bubble

You may remember how much I love personality tests. In particular, the Jung Typology Test, which defined me as an ISFJ (Introverted Sensing Feeling Judging). I remember reading the results completely awestruck because it.was.all.so.accurate. (highly, highly recommend taking the test - here)

I've been thinking a lot about the introverted aspects of my personality. I don't believe that we're all so clearly and easily categorised into categories made to categorise us. However, I do think that, more often than not, generalisations hold a lot of truth. I am a classic introvert in that I recharge from within. I read somewhere that extroverts need to spend time with people in order to be able to spend time alone and introverts need to spend time alone in order to be with people. We recharge our batteries during the time we spend alone. And we're rarely bored if left with ourselves! I've always enjoyed the time I spend with myself (esp with a good book!) and kept a journal for many years. Thinking about it now, almost every party I attended as a youngster (and sometimes even now) I felt like an outsider and I just did what I had to do until I could go home and unwind. Having said that, I also enjoy big parties and meeting people and spending time with a few close people who recharge me. That in itself is an introverted trait - choosing a few close friends wisely who actually add to your energy rather than diminish it.

I've also been thinking about the difference between extroverts and introverts. And here's an example. As an introvert, when you're in a bad mood, you want to retreat into yourself. The opposite of what an extrovert would do. Which means that when you're in a bad mood and an extrovert is around you, they come to comfort you, which doesn't work. In fact, it may cause more anguish. And vice versa - when I am around an extrovert who needs some comforting, my immediate thought is "sort yourself out" and then I try to go and make a coffee and get away from the situation where I'm needed to comfort that person. It's not very kind of me, is it? I believe there are two reasons for this. Firstly, as an introvert, I tend to try and figure out my problems and why I'm feeling like I am privately. I'm fairly pragmatic when it comes to getting things done. When I'm feeling unwell, I take medication, entertain myself and wait until I get better. Of course I want someone to make me soup and bring me coffee, but I guess I sometimes prefer not to attract more attention by asking for help. Secondly, I remove myself from situations where I'm needed emotionally because it drains my energies, and my priority is self-perseverance.

I've really come to realise this truth recently. I prioritise self-perseverance, and sometimes it comes across to others as being selfish. I do care for a lot of things, and I think about them when I'm alone or I show my care towards them very materialistically, giving the impression that my care doesn't scratch the surface. But I do care. And at the same time, I can't risk negative emotional equity. It's very difficult to come out of.

I am prone to giving too much and then setting the expectations on myself too high. I deliver, I deliver and then I'm in the situation where those around me don't realise how much effort it takes to do those things that I've been doing. And then I am suddenly expected to do so many different things and my time to myself is relegated to the bottom of my personal to-do lists and before I know it, I am exhausted. Emotionally. Physically. Sometimes people think that I don't make the time or that too much is being expected of me. But it's not that. It's that even that little extra effort requires super human strength. It's just too much. 

To recharge you need to be alone. Sometimes for minutes, sometimes for hours and sometimes for days. On those days that you can't be truly alone, the recovery takes longer, making the whole ordeal seem worse and making you seem like an exceptionally selfish person. It's like when you get the flu. You get better quicker by staying at home for 2 days than braving it for 2 weeks. Sometimes, finding those 2 days for recovery are a luxury, and that's the truth. So you come up with coping mechanisms. You convince yourself that some stressful tasks are actually therapeutic (like blow drying your hair - not therapeutic at all if you ask me!). And you get by slowly until you get a chance to have that recharge you so crave. 

So that's my take on being an introvert. And I'm sorry it's quite a sombre subject...I have a suspicion I'll revisit this subject sometime in the future so forgive me for the pensive thoughts. And I do wish I understood extroverts better, so that I could emphasise when they are going through the equivalent in their eyes instead of coming across as cold. 

It's been a long year. I was all hopeful about 2014, but I'm not going to miss it much if I'm honest. I'm looking forward to 2015. Be kind to us. 

Sx

*the photo can be found on Unsplash, where you can use photos for free.

First time for everything

There is a first time for everything. For us, it’s the first time we have a portable, open gas fire in our flat. Yes, it’s out there, in the open, spewing delicious fumes and threatening to consume unattended items of clothing. It may come surprising to some, but Amman gets really, really cold. We live in the constant fear highlighted by Game of Thrones, waiting for winter to finally come. In the past we’ve managed with electric heaters, wall mounted heating units and the most expensive of them all, diesel central heating. This year, we have to find something else. It is our third winter in Amman and we have succumbed to what many hail as the most efficient form of heating: the soba. It’s a metal box on wheels where you place your gas canister, hook it up to the pipe connected to the soba, light the spark and let the fire heat the metal grill. We used it last night and honestly, it was nice and warm. Not sure how comfortable I feel with this roaming risk but, we gotta keep warm!

Have a great weekend all!

Sx

HashtagFirstWorldProblems: Reading a book you just can't seem to finish

Has this ever happened to you? Surely it has. It must happen to everyone (cough cough in a first world conundrum like me). I'm reading For Whom the Bell Tolls. This is attempt number 3, if I remember correctly. My Kindle tells me I'm 41% through. My brain tells me I have 41% of my sanity left. But I want to finish it. I don't want to give up. It's a phase, you see. There came a time when I decided life was too short to trawl through a book I didn't enjoy. But recently I just don't want to put a book down. I don't think it helps that I keep a very public record of the books I read here. Damn it I've been reading this book since June..I can mark a little asterisk to say I never finished it. But that may will compromise my credibility as a book nerd.

Get it here.

First.

World.

Problem.

In other news, I have written my post about Bath but it has like 2951523 photos. Tell me, do you like looking at photos or should I go back to the editing table?

Happy Saturday everyone! 

Sx

Travel essentials

You may remember that I'm not the best of travelers. I see photos of people jet-setting with impeccable hair and matching luggage and I wonder how they do it. It feels as though every time I travel, no matter the size of my carry on or handbag, I cram it full of stuff and end up exhausted from carrying it around and from trying to find anything in there. I have a friend who travels carrying his passport...in his pocket. Oh I wish I was that easy going! Unfortunately, this post does not relate to some revelation of how to travel light. Nope, it's just a little peak into what I always carry when I travel.

So...I cram all of this stuff into my bag: purse, kindle, sunglasses (don't want them to break in the checked baggage), passports, diary and travel wallet. I finally bought a cute travel wallet from Cath Kidston, and would highly recommend getting one, as it just keeps all your travel docs in one place. There are some gorgeous leather ones out there for a reasonable price tag, like this one from Asos. 

Of course I always print out my tickets / boarding pass before my flight and triple-quadruple check all the details.  

Things I also always carry are a couple of passport photos, as you never know when you might need one and of course my Oyster card if I'm heading over to Sunny England. Yes that Oyster card photo is glamorous, I know. Especially with the glittery star sticker. (Student days) I also for some reason manage to have an extra British Landing Card that I can complete before landing. You American and EU passport holders, I'm not sure you'd relate!

I don't own a very good smart phone (something I need to invest in...eventually), so I also use my Kindle to keep my travel itinerary and any important information, like phone and reference numbers, addresses, flight details etc. I find it very helpful since I don't need the internet to access this document, and you can send it to your Kindle either as a Word doc or PDF. I do also upload all my meetings, flights and travel information on to my Google Calendar, but I like having access to information easily and in one place. I haven't created a detailed itinerary for my trip this time, although I have done that before and found it very helpful to know what I needed to accomplish for when (I had about 3 days to visit four cities and make sure I got to my best friend's wedding on time!). I've heard of a lot of great apps that help with planning trips, so maybe when I get a smart phone I'll try those and see. For now I'll just have to rely on good ol' Microsoft Word! 

Of course I also take lip balm and if the flight is really long then some face cream to keep my skin moisturised. But that's pretty much it! What do you carry when you travel?

Sx

My Funny Friends

So what was that about? Writing a pretty serious and soul-bearing post and then leaving you for 2 weeks? I do apologise. But today a short and light hearted entry.

Was looking through some things (trying to find clothes that still fit more like) and came across this card that my friends sent me before I moved to Jordan. Needless to say, they know me well.

Sx 

ps my friends know that the pyramids are in Egypt but the point is spot on

New Glasses!!

I went for an eye test the other day. The results were shocking really. My eyesight had not changed since my last eye test in 2011. Not.a.single.bit.

In my 16+ years of wearing glasses, every single time I went for an eye test, the results showed my eyesight getting worse. Year. After year. After year. After year. It's a wonder I don't wear some form of binoculars really. You get the picture. Except for one year, when my eyesight actually got BETTER. Apparently that can happen. 

The thing is, every time I tell people that I've been wearing contacts for 15+ years (cuz I hate my glasses and avoid wearing them in public), they're always like "get LASIK!". And my reply is....uuuuuuhhh no. I'm terrified you see. I don't quite know why, but I know that I'm terrified. Also, I had heard that your eyesight needed to be stable for 2 years before going under the beam, and well, that had never happened until now.

And sometimes I wonder whether I've probably spent more money over 15 years on contacts then I would have doing corrective eye surgery. But the other night, I decided to calculate it. 

Thus. If I spend approximately £20 a month on contacts then:

£20x12 = £240x15 = £3600

And, frankly, £3600 is less than, say, two Chanel handbags. Which makes me feel a lot better that, no, I have not spent a small fortune on contact lenses. In fact, if you only count the two years that I have not had a change in eyesight (which is not accurate because you'd have to wait two years before surgery) then you'd get:

£20x24 months = £480.

No one's gonna fix my eyes for that little (and if they could, I'm not sure I'd want them to!). 

So Lasik, you'll have to wait. 

Sx

These are my new frames that I get to pick up from the opticians soon (selfies are not our friend).

Where's the imposter?

I was at my work desk. Typing away. "Planning" an event. 

When the paranoia hit. 

I was freaking out (inside of course, outside I was eating chocolate cake, obvi). You see, I'd never planned an event before. Wedding? Puh-lease. I just had to show up and not fall over. And even then it's pretty difficult to ruin a wedding. And this? A 4 hour seminar with 30 guests that compelled me to believe I'd get found out.

So, there I was, creating tables on Excel, Skyping with a colleague on how to work our CRM system, frantically looking through my notes to make sure I haven't missed anything. And I thought to myself, what if my colleagues suddenly realise that I am incompetent and that they've somehow hired this fraud?! 

I get this feeling a lot. Like, not for a prolonged period, really, but just filling emails and BOOM - I look around and think...."they know".

This, apparently, is a common phenomenon that many suffer, especially women. We feel that we don't deserve to be in the position we are in. That somehow, a mistake was made and we've ended up where we are by some mistake. A lot of articles have been written about this (like this one), and Sheryl Sandberg wrote and spoke at length on the topic. 

Eventually the feeling passed and I told myself that I'd be fine, amazing even, arranging this event. The problem with having these feelings hit you is, for me anyway, it's a vicious cycle. When I think these thoughts, I'm more likely to make silly mistakes, which then make me panic even more, leading to slightly more noticeable mistakes, and telling myself that I'm just not cut out for whatever it is that I was doing, that other people do it better, and I just wind myself up in this manner.

Didn't I tell you before I was crazy?

Anyway, just to let you know, the even went fabulously and here's a photo of me manning the registration desk.

Sx

Words to Yourself

Monday, September 16: Write a public love letter to someone in your life. (It doesn't necessarily need to be romantic.)

 

Copyright.

Dear Me,

I'm writing you this letter to tell you how much I love you. I know, it may sound crazy and narcissistic, but it seems that you forget to tell yourself those three words.

Why do I love you? Well, believe it or not, you're brave. Not many people would be able to leave their entire family and move to a different country at the age of 18. Not many people would then leave a country they loved to start a new life in the middle of the desert. So, you're pretty brave. It'd do you good to remember that every once in a while! 

Also, I love you because you are always trying to learn new things. And it kinda peeves me when you beat yourself up about not "getting things" straight away. I mean, remember when you started your first job and you'd never used Outlook but ta-dah! you managed? And now you're giving your colleagues tips about sharing calendars! How about figuring out eyelash curlers?! You were like "whaaaa?? WHAAA?" but BOOM, luscious lashes were achieved! Not just that, how about the fact that you've been trying to push your boundaries? I mean, you started a blog. You're doing a blog challenge. And even if there are days when you doubt your ability to continue, you push yourself and then realise that it's totally do-able.

I love you because you try to be a good friend. Now, I know that you're not always great at keeping in touch and you say you'll message but then you don't. But, ever since you had a pen-pal in 1st Grade, you have always made an effort to check-in with your friends every once in a while. Not many 11 year old children send snail mail to their friends in Canada for several consecutive years. But you did, and you even sent stickers with some of those letters too! 

I won't keep going about all this mushy mushy love. But I'll leave you with this: put in some time to remember all of your great qualities and create more positive energy for yourself. Being good to ourselves is just as important as being good to others. And I think that it's almost needed as a foundation to be able to support the love that you then give to others. 

Like scaffolding against a building. 

Love,

Me.

Can I be of assistance?

Monday, September 9: Take this short personality test and respond to your results. (at the end, find the detailed profile of your personality account - click "click to view" under "You" and "self awareness and personal growth." You can even google your type and find more info on it!)

Of general relevance, not to this post though. Found here.

Aha! So, I took this test a while ago after I came across it in one of Jenni's posts. It was surprisingly accurate and I liked it because it told me that ideal careers for me include teaching and some sort of administrative careers. I had literally left law to teach and then landed a PA job. So that was nice validation (from the internet anyway haha). Also, I sent it to a close friend and we practically were the same personality! Thus, further validation of my friendship choices *wink*

Moving along, two things I need to tell you about me:

1. I absolutely LOVE personality tests!! Other than the shenanigans I mentioned my high school friends and I used to do, we used to take one personality test after another. "What's your ideal career?" "Who're you going to marry?" "What does your favourite colour say about you?" "Are you completely crazy and take too many tests?" So, ya.

2. Because I'd taken this test before and came up with ISFJ (Introverted, Sensing, Feeling & Judging), I am now worried that I will re-take the test and won't like the results...as in, I may have changed as a person since taking the test..and not to my liking! And, to add more crazy to that statement, I'm not sure how to explain it, but I get really angsty if I think I'm "deceiving" myself or others when it comes to silly things. For example, I refused to to wear mascara and eyeliner until about the age of 20 because I was worried that if I wore mascara and eyeliner everyday, I would be lying to people about the true depth of my eyes and length of my eyelashes. Not that I see ANYTHING wrong with enhancing what you have. Further-crazy, I thought that if I got people used to seeing me wearing make-up, when I don't wear it I would look like 137662 times uglier. Cray-zay.

Anyhoo. I am just gonna re-take the test and see what happens!!

ISFJ.

Introvert(22%)  Sensing(38%)  Feeling(38%)  Judging(33%)

Perhaps I didn't change much...OR...I just managed to dig up my previous answers from my subconscious and answer the questions in the same manner. I will continue to analyse that over a cup of crazy.

What were your results? Did they surprise you?  

Sx